Our Freedoms, Our Slavery

This past week we read the Torah portion Va'Era. A portion that covers what is commonly known as the 'Passover Story', I helped facilitate a session about the hardening of Pharoh's heart. I am going to steer clear of issues of fate vs. choice but rather what the definition of a hardened heart is. For me it is the inability to feel, to let what is around you to penetrate you, it is apathy, it is indifference. I asked people to think about what we identify as slavery: slavery found throughout history, slavery in the world today. What do we do when we are confronted by it? Do we let it penetrate us? Or, are we indifferent?

I also asked participants to think about and share their personal slavery and their personal freedom(s). I participated in a similar exercise months ago which begged the questions of what is your personal poverty? What is your personal wealth? I don't know what was more challenging, sharing them or identifying and internalizing them.

When I think of my own slavery and freedoms today I find that sometimes I can't clarify them from one another. I am enslaved by the struggle between living for myself and living for what I am thought to be by others. I am enslaved by the inability to find a community in which i whole heartedly identify and connect with. I am enslaved by the need to find/create that for which i yearn. I am enslaved by the unknown, and the fear of what comes next and making the wrong decision. My freedoms are the unconditional support and love I feel I recieve from my family and friends. My freedom is the ability to travel almost anywhere I wish. My freedom is my education. My freedom is my ability to not be indifferent.

I left Jerusalem this weekend for the first time since early November. Until the bus pulled out of the city I had no idea just how much I needed to leave. I spent Shabbat on kibbutz Gonnen just about 20 minutes outside Kiryat Shimona in the Golan Heights. The fresh air was wonderful, the quiet was peaceful, and just for a couple of days I was able to shift my frame of mind. It wasn't until I left that I realized I have been feeling bogged down in Jerusalem. I am feeling pressure from myself to make immediate decisions of what's next. I am finding myself lingering on my confusion which is only leading to a downward spiral. This weekend allowed me to gain a bit more clarity. I have not come to any WOW discoveries, but I did just take the long deep breath that has been long needed.

Some of you may have known that I was toying with the idea of going to Rabbinical school in the next coming years. In recent weeks I publically announced the idea to peers at an informational session by the Jewish Theological Seminary. I have also met with representatives from the University of Judaism and have chatted with students from Hebrew College and the Reconstructionist Rabbinical Council. But at the end of the day I don't know if I identify with any of the movements. In each conversation I asked the question 'Why did you decide to become a Rabbi?' and although each answer was different from the next, none of them resonated with me. I am not called to the pulpit, I don't want the recognition. I want to study, I want to work with people, I want to be engaged in higher education, and I want to be engaged in the emerging conversations that surround the future of the Jewish people. Becoming a Rabbi would give me all of those things, but I believe there are other avenues to get there as well. I am just not ready to commit myself to an ideology when I haven't yet figured out where I fall on the theological spectrum.

I have a call back for a job that may keep me in Jerusalem for another year. I am interested in the organization but want to hear more about the job itself. I have made the decision that I want to start planting roots down somewhere and that the next city I live in will be a multiple year commitment. I have been hoping around for too long. I just don't know right now if that place is Israel.

We go on tiyul (hiking trip) to the mountains near Eilat Tuesday. The sunglasses I found on my parent's coffee table 2.5 years ago finally broke and so it is my number one priority tomorrow to replace them before the trip. It will be good to breathe some desert air.